This Day.

Easter.

This day.

This day is a day of remembrance.

This day is a day of reflection.

This day is a day of acknowledgement.

This day is a day that holds so much for so many.

For me, this day is a day of significant value because I am writing on this day.

I have had people use the significance of this day to tell me that I need to forgive.

I have had people use the significance of this day to tell me that I need to extend grace and mercy.

I have had people use the significance of this day to tell me that their offense has been forgiven and I should forgive them too.

I have had people use the significance of this day to tell me that my pain - physical pain, emotional pain, psychological pain, spiritual pain – has been purchased.

After sharing experiences that I had about the significance of this day, I had some label me as insane, ridiculed, belittled, and mocked.

This day has been used, manipulated, and abused by others that at times I have questioned my reality, my sanity, and my spirituality.

Last Easter, I learned a lot. In one single day, one single moment, one single second, I learned something that would have taken me a lifetime to understand if I hadn’t seen and experienced it.

Last Easter I walked through my house at the end of the day, and in the safety of my house I wailed in agony at the torment. That night, I was as close to death as I had ever been and ever want to be again.

This year.

This year has been a time for shuffling through the lies, the beliefs, and the questions.

This year, I have questioned the reality of Christ’s crucifixion and resurrection. I have wondered if it really happened. I have wondered if it was just a time that has been placed in history so that manipulators, the deceitful, and the wicked could use their power to cover up their actions.

This year, I questioned God. I asked Him some very deep and personal questions. I told myself that God had turned His back on me during times that I wish He would have used His power to intercede on my behalf. I had told myself that He had left the room because He couldn't bear what was happening. I had told myself that He had forsaken me.

This year, I have learned that I can project my experiences that I have had in relationships onto my relationship with God.

This year, I have started to wonder if during those times that I felt most alone that God was in fact with me. I have wondered what it would mean if I started to think that He wasn’t looking down on me, in another room, or turned away. That He was inside of me, protecting my core - the most valuable part of who I am.

This year, I have learned that some use the significance of this day to excuse themselves or excuse others from very destructive behavior. As that rattles my bones, I have started to wonder if God experiences that rattle and so much more.

This day.

This day holds so much.

This day holds a lot of pain that has taken me a while to heal.

This day holds a lot of questions that I now feel safe asking.

This day, this day, I can breathe. I can be at peace. I can look around. I can look ahead. I can look beyond.

I am grateful for all that I have learned about this day. I am grateful for all that I have felt about this day. I am grateful for all the questions that I have had about this day. I am grateful for all that this day means.