A few weeks ago, I built a fire in my firepit.
Such a robust process, and one that brings so much restoration to some of the weakest parts of my heart.
With the fire blazing, my inner core beginning to warm, and embers flying like lightening bugs to the stars, I meticulously placed some things in the fire that weighed heavily on my mind, my body, and my spirit.
It was exhilarating, liberating, and truly transformative to watch the fire slowly and steadily engulf these things. As the fire grew taller and embers continued to rise to the moon, so my spirit grew too.
A few days later as the embers exhausted their last trace of heat and the ashes laid calmly at the bottom of the pit, I scooped them up with a long handled metal spoon and placed them in a glass bowl to cool them off. Even after days of resting, the ashes were too hot to place in anything else but a material that could handle the heat.
For my spirit to feel deeper relief and blissful liberation, my inner core thirst to release them in a place for Nature Divine to carry them away for me. I needed Her to take hold of the ashes and nurture my roots within Her nutrient rich soil for undivided healing.
Once the final resemblance of heat had dissipated from the glass bowl and the ashes laid calmly at the bottom, I gently poured the ashes in a plastic bag so that I could easily carry them to a place for Nature Divine to capture them.
For a moment, I became sternly aware that I had complete confidence that I was held safely in the present. In ravishing serenity, I no longer needed to take up space to fear the unknown.
To ensure this serenity, I knew that I needed to exert my body so that I could be reminded of my physical strength. Based on past experiences, I knew a strenuous trail run would encapsulate my spirit, take flight my beating heart, and ignite my bones.
The trail run was not just breath taking, it was breath captivating, body challenging, mind releasing, and spirit fulfilling.
I arrived at the trailhead in perfect timing, sunrise. As the sun rose above the mountains, the rays warmed my face and encapsulated my heart.
I placed the plastic bag of ashes in a pocket on my water pack, and I strapped the pack on my back, buckling the clasp securely in front of my chest. Feeling the ashes on my back replayed the scene of the fire blazing in my backyard. I remembered the warmth of my core as I watched the fire blaze in utter confidence.
As I started on the trail, the sounds of the leaves crunching under my feet, the puffs of smoke that briefly impaired my vision with each of my exhales as it vanished in the cold winter air, and the “good mornings” of the birds chirping and squirrels rustling were all music to my listening ears.
At such an early start, I was the first person to grace the trail. It was glorious to be a guest on the trail and my spirit kneeled humbly to the warm welcome.
As I arrived at the place where my spirit and Nature Divine initiated a signal that it was the time and place to release the ashes, everything in that moment in time ceased to move.
Time itself stood still.
I was in the presence of the crisp open air surrounded by creatures great and small.
Silence.
Insanely Serene.
Unexplainably peaceful.
The silence and the calmness of the present opened my ears to hear my steady heartbeat, relaxed my mind to feel my chest rise and fall with each breath that I took, and invited my spine to grow taller, soften my face, and relax my jaw.
In that moment, my spirit humbly and respectfully bowed to Creation.
Briefly the ashes escaped my mind, yet I was gently reminded of what brought me to this place. I slowly unstrapped my water pack, gently pulled out the bag of ashes, and sat on the ledge of the bluff watching the sun finish rising to warm the spirit of the forest.
I wish that I could have captured this moment in time in a glass jar to place it on my mantel at home. I would then be able view it especially during times that could be particularly challenging.
Instead, I took a deep cleansing breath.
With the bag of ashes on my lap, I carefully opened the bag and gently poured some of the ashes in my hand.
As the ashes rested in the cup of my palm, I envisioned gathering internal strength as I viewed the remanence of the things that had once locked me in as a prisoner.
Unexpectantly, though, I didn’t gather the type of strength that I had imagined when I poured the ashes in my hand. In fact, the scene and the ashes weighed heavy on my mind, my heart, and my spirit.
With tears forming, I gently and calmly lowered the lids of my eyes, so that I could feel the humming of my core. As I rested in that moment, the radiating light that I saw from my core reminded me of my strength. With another cleansing breath, I gently opened my eyes to capture this scene again. As a newfound internal strength appeared, I took one deep lower belly breath.
With a sound and courageous exhale, I blew the ashes off my palm.
How glorious it was to feel the power of my own breath and the strength that arose from within as the ashes blew away from my palm into the open air. With that one powerful breath, my eyes opened even wider to the greatness that lay in front of me.
I wanted to deepen this newfound strength, so I cupped my palm again and poured more ashes into it. I pulled out my phone from my pack and took a picture of this moment to honor and remember it. Like a storm surge, with one more deep belly breath, I let out some of the deepest and darkest pains of my past.
Letting out.
Did this moment allow me to forget the past?
No.
The past cannot be forgotten. I have learned that the more that I try to forget the past, the thicker the path is in moving forward.
It did, however, empower me to acknowledge the past and keep pushing forward.
I released the ashes that were left in the bag and rested in Nature Divine’s stillness. Am I ever so grateful for Her stability and stillness. This moment gave me the peace, the hope, and the adoration for Nature Divine that I hope to always carry.
I broke the silence with the release of three long enduring whoops that vibrated throughout the valley. Feeling the vibrations from my vocal cords woke up my core. I have heard my voice echo through this valley several times in anguish, but this time I heard my voice sing and billow through the mountains and valley below.
Letting out this magnificent sound reminded me of who I am and who I have always been.
As I descended the mountain to explore the valley and the river below, I noticed an eagle soaring above my head. His wings reminded me of the integrity, honesty, and courage that it takes to fly bravely through valleys and among trees within the mountains. His boldness reminded me of the internal importance of being true to myself.
Letting out ensures complete release and development of the richest nutrients to heal.
I am grateful for being at a place in my life where I can safely let out emotions from past circumstances of my life with truth, integrity, and serenity. I am grateful for people who have miraculously entered my life that have helped me find my voice so that I can let out in my own time.
I am grateful for Nature Divine being my constant compass that offers places for me to engage, release, and soar.
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