Age is more than just a number.
It’s gathered wisdom.
It’s looking in the eyes of the woman that’s in the reflection in the mirror that’s in front of me. It’s in her eyes that I remember all the moments that I have seen her in a mirror.
It’s understanding the complexity and yet clear line of deception and manipulation. It’s learning how the wolf in sheep’s clothing navigates and prowls through the pasture. It’s finding how this deception is received, caressed, and supported in the community.
It’s learning how someone can use my most vulnerable points against me yet be seen as a hero to so many.
It’s seeing how God’s name can be used in vain. It’s learning that it’s so much more than just a string of cuss words with God’s name interwoven. It’s hearing how His name and His character are used in vain by spiritual leaders. It’s seeing how that mindset and vanity can be mass produced. It’s feeling how His name and character are cleverly and wickedly used to tear me a part.
It’s learning how to lean into this very supernatural but very real pain.
It’s gaining deeper language and new words that help clearly articulate an experience or circumstance.
It’s learning how to use my voice. It’s learning when to speak up. It’s learning when to keep silent. It’s learning when to stand up. It’s learning when to back down.
It’s understanding my triggers. It’s finding ways to cope when I am triggered. It’s coping well. It’s coping not so well. It’s learning to give grace and understanding to myself, no matter how I cope.
It’s understanding trauma.
It’s learning how in my distress to say quietly yet oh so steadily “Fuck you, trauma.”
It’s finding those who will be in the boxing ring with me as I fight my way out. It’s finding those who offer their neck to wrap my arm around to keep me on my feet. It’s finding those who will offer ways to quench my thirst. It’s finding those who will wipe the sweat off my brow. It’s finding those that will clearly tell me truth when my vision has been blurred from the fight. It’s me crying out in anguish while in the ring, “This is fucked up” and they confirm all that is encompassed in that statement, “Yes. This is fucked up.”
It’s learning about love. It’s learning about trust. It’s learning about support. It’s learning about betrayal. It’s learning about grief. It’s learning about anger.
It’s learning how to function. It’s learning when I overdo it. It’s learning why I overdo it. It’s learning ways to fill my cup when I do overdo it.
It’s learning the ebbs and flow of healing.
See.
Age is more than just a number.
It’s gathered wisdom.
It’s learning how to look at her.
It’s in her eyes that I acknowledge her.
Her story.
It’s in her eyes that I aspire for the future.
It’s in her eyes that I see.
It’s in her eyes that I learn.
It’s in her eyes that I live.
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